Come on Lifetime, Cut It Out!

Lifetime has done it again! They made a “tell-all” movie about something/someone we all (and by that I mean those of us who were children of the late 80’s early 90’s) loved so much growing up. I fell for it again. First it was The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story then it was the Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B now it is The Unauthorized Full House Story. Why do I keep watching these things?

I think part of it is the train wreck that is these movies and the fun we all have making fun of them on Twitter (which I didn’t get to do because I had to be a grown up for a few hours). Lifetime advertises it is a scandalous tell-all about things we didn’t know that happened behind the scenes. Then the cast photos are released and the actors look like hyper-surreal versions of the people they are supposed to portray. They almost fail so hard, they win with the casting. After all of the hype has come and gone, we watch the movies, it all ends up being stuff we already knew before. Either the people or the family members of these people have come out and talked about the “scandals” or they turn out to be very small versions of the truth of things. Most of the movies run times are montages of things we saw take place on TV, interview, clips from episodes, things like that.

The Unauthorized Full House Story does things a little different that the other two though, it ends up looking like a two hour sitcom (with commercials) mascaraing as a tell-all. There are gags, bits, and bad sitcom like jokes all throughout the movie. For example, one of the producers proclaims “I may end up tearing all of my hair out before we even start,” then the other producer gestures to his ball head and says, “How do you think this happened.” I’m kinda paraphrasing cause I didn’t want to go back and watch the movie again to get exact quotes. The actors playing the producers deliver these lines like any sitcom actor would, with a wink and a nod to the live audience. Accept there is no live audience. The actors portraying Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, and John Stamos get into “wacky” antics while filming such as telling dirty jokes or getting into whip cream fights (no joke, that happened) and the main producer comes in and tells them to knock it off with a smile and shakes his head as if to say, “those crazy guys.” It was all so weird. I didn’t know if they were doing this all on purpose as a way to be all meta about it or if it just came off that way do to really bad acting.

To complete the whole sitcom feel, “Bob Saget” learned his lesson about the importance of family and gave a sweet toast at the wedding reception for “Candice Cameron,” which was promptly undercut by a fart gag by “Dave Coulier.” Then everyone danced in slowmo together while a typical 90s happy song played in the background and we get the quickie “where are they now” voice over.

Was the whole thing horrible? Yes, so very bad. Will I fall for it again in October when The Unauthorized Beverly Hills 90210 Story and The Unauthorized Melrose Place Story premiere? Probably.

And now I feel super sad and very pathetic.

Did you guys watch The Unauthorized Full House Story? Do you think I’m kinda pathetic? Talk to me in the comments section.

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About Nerdling

The Nerdling has an unhealthy obsession with books, the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and Star Wars. She finds hockey to be the best sport in the world (Go Dallas Stars!) and is working on her first novel, but mostly glowers at a blank screen. You can find her on Twitter @nerdlingstale on Facebook @NerdlingTales or Instagram @nerdling_tales

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