Every other day it seems as if we get a new announcement of some other reboot or remake about to go into production and all of us groan and moan the loss of originality in Hollywood. It is time to face the ugly truth and make peace with every major studio’s idea bankruptness. Let’s have some fun with the idea of a few remakes much in the spirit of the upcoming Splash redo with the gender swap.
Hollywood, feel free to use any of my ideas, just give me a minor “story by” credit.
The Original – A comedy about the behind the scenes world of soap operas. Sally Fields is leading lady Celeste Talbert in the middle of a crisis. She feels like everyone is against her (it doesn’t help that most everyone is) and her niece, Lori (Elisabeth Shue), has left school to move in with her and become an actress. When Celeste’s former lover and costar, Jeffrey (Kevin Kline), is hired back to the show as a ratings boost (and act of sabotage), the spectacle behind the scenes becomes more drama filled than the soap opera they film.
The Remake – I know this was already done on Telenovela, but that was cancelled. Besides, soap operas are on the decline with several major ones having been canceled and replaced with daytime talk shows. There is more than enough evening soapy like shows whose plots rival the outrageousness of General Hospital or The Young & The Restless. A few of them even had some public behind the scenes drama that could serve as inspiration (just look at the abrupt departure of Isaiah Washington, T.R. Knight, and Katherine Heigl on Grey’s Anatomy and the recent firing of Thomas Gibson from Criminal Minds). This also may be a good project director Paul Feig to rebound on and taking his comedy back to being more character driven like The Office or Bridesmaids than just full on slapstick like Ghostbusters.
The Original – Forest boy, Jack (Tom Cruise) must stop Darkness (Tim Curry) from slaughtering the last of the unicorns and plunging the world into eternal night while rescuing his princess love, Lili (Mia Sara), in this cult fantasy epic adventure.
The Remake – To be honest, I am seriously shocked this film is not in talks of being remade. Fans might not be too severe on a new take of this movie since the original is a bit on the silly side in terms of acting and execution. It is very 80’s and could use a CGI update. Since Peter Jackson has exhausted the whole of The Lord of the Rings catalog (unless he decides to do The Silmarillion and I hope he doesn’t) and the newest addition to the Harry Potter series doesn’t have a set of books to follow, Legend just might be the film to satisfy the love of epic fantasies that don’t involve space. There are plenty of CW teen male and female heartthrobs who would bring in the 14-25 crowd. If I had to pick, I would love to see Stephen Amell and Candice Patton as Jack and Lili. Curry could be persuaded to reprise his villainous role via motion capture. Or just get the motion capture king, Andy Serkis, to take it on.
Hello, Dolly! (1969):
The Original – Barbra Streisand at her most Streisandyness as Dolly Levi, a matchmaker hell bent on marrying Yonker’s most wealthy and eligible bachelor (Walter Matthau). She just needs to make him realize she is the best choice for him and not the sweet shop clerk (Marianne McAndrew) he has been courting.
The Remake – Most likely this one is going to be an NBC or FOX live musical spectacular, but I miss big spectacle movie musicals and would love to see the return of this one to theaters. Someone like Rachel Bloom or Emmy Rossum would have the pipes and charisma to pull off someone like Dolly (though they both might be a little too young for the role, Dolly is a widow and she and her husband had been married for quite some time before his passing). Elizabeth Banks would be a perfect fit. Please, not Anne Hathaway. I don’t hate her or anything, just way burnt out on her (still).
See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989):
The Original – The bind Wally Karew (Richard Prior) and the deaf Dave Lyons (Gene Wilder) are two friends who work in a concession shop and help guide each other through their daily lives. One day the two of them “witness” a murder, but the police end up suspecting the two men. Wally and Dave must work together to find the real killers and clear their names.
The Remake – Buddy comedies never go out of style and this one has a pretty good hook to it. It also shows two men with a disability who live fairly normal lives, have fun, and hold down jobs. Some of the more offensive parts of the disability based humor can be toned down, which would leave room for some jokes at the expense of zealous PC policers. The door is wide open for a multitude of comedians or actors with high comedic talent to fill the roles of Wally and Dave. Off the top of my head, Jay Pharroah, Eva Longoria, Chris Pratt, Kate McKinnon, Taran Killam, Sasheer Zamata, Amaury Nolasco, Anna Faris, Melani Lynskey, Paul Rudd, Keegan-Michael Key, Jordan Peele, Ty Burrell, Michael Peña, seriously the list is endless. Mixing the genders (man/woman) would be better than just a straight remake of two men or pulling the all-female route.
*batteries not included (1987):
The Original – A group of tenants living in an old, rundown apartment building are being hassled by a major corporation to leave so a new development can be built. After an act of vandalism so scare them away tears up a few apartments and the downstairs café run by the owners, a couple of small, living spaceships come and repair all of the damage and befriend the tenants while helping to scare off the developers.
The Remake – This is a sweet science fiction tale of hope and family that is needed and could work now days with gentrification and globalization driving out the lower class. Everybody loves a tail of the underdogs and the building is full of them. An elderly couple where the wife suffers from dementia, a struggling artist and his burgeoning relationship with a pregnant woman across the hall, and a retired boxer who has taken a few too many blows to the head and is not quite there anymore all banding together with the little spaceships to save their home. This would be a really good movie for Joss Whedon to direct if he had any want to jump in on a remake. Family units facing horrible odds banding together (with an other worldly aspect) is something he specializes in. If not him, then Brad Bird would be another great fit as director.
What do you think? Do you want to see these movies remade? Are there any other movies you would like to see get an update? Let me know in the comments section below.